tuck [2003-05-23 16:51:56 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, I should have mentioned a couple of other things. It was a uni project brief, where we had to create a postcard for amnesty international ... hence the dodgy copy over the top of the image

The machine is a photomontage of different parts of a car engine, plus tank treads etc. Most of pieces were stolen from the interface for my website [link]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

fleb [2003-05-23 16:05:41 +0000 UTC]

^^^ IGNORE THE ABOVE COMMENT! ^^^

I accidentally hit "Submit" before I was finished... here's the whole thing:

The imagery's really slick, the composition's good, and I like the idea. I think your copy's just a bit rough.

"Spout rhetoric" is a bit rough. Granted, in the proper setting, that would be fine, but look at the imagery you have: It's a monochromatic image, "faded" to the background a little, and the foreground consists of a tight, streamlined logo and copy in a very straightforward, simple sans-serif face. The look you have going has a sort of "institutional gravity" to it that makes it want a more professional and informative tone. Maybe something like "make promises" or "tell stories".

Is "whilst" common parlance in Australia? I'm strictly American-brand-English, so I'm used to "while". If that's the norm, go with it. If it's an embellishment, use the simplest possible word.

Line three: "that are" is unnecessary. Also, if they're being killed, obviously they're victims... civilians, maybe?

You could also get a better read, in my opinion, if you chop it up like:

used to kill innocent civilians
and deepen poverty.

That way the big "hit" doesn't get lost in a big long line of type.


Anyhow, hot stuff... btw: did you build that, photocomposite it, or is it just some sort of engine you photoed?

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

fleb [2003-05-23 15:57:55 +0000 UTC]

Attempt 2... my comp barfed on my last comment attempt...

The imagery's really slick, the composition's good, and I like the idea. I think your copy's just a bit rough.

"Spout rhetoric" is a bit rough. Granted, in the proper setting, that would be fine, but look at the imagery you have: It's a monochromatic image, "faded" to the background a little, and the foreground consists of a tight, streamlined logo and copy in a very straightforward, simple sans-serif face. The look you have going has a sort of "institutional gravity" to it that makes it want a more professional and informative tone. Maybe something like "make promises" or "tell stories".

Is "whilst" common parlance in Australia? I'm strictly American-brand-English, so I'm used to "while". If that's the norm, go with it. If it's an embellishment, use the simplest possible word.

Line three: "that are" is unnecessary.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Urus-28 [2003-05-23 15:04:01 +0000 UTC]

Great colors, good idea, details are also very nice. Great work !

On va y arriver à force....

👍: 0 ⏩: 0