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gutterbreed — sinners
Published: 2008-10-20 13:13:36 +0000 UTC; Views: 253; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 2
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Description
hey, you in the backgroundtell me your name
in this cheap corner party that's all
scene and all talk we could
take this small chance and be gone
to the street corner
will you kiss me then, or think about it
for a while
while the wind whistles wanderlust through
my ears, i need to up and go and
spin and be lost in a place that
harbors spur-of-the-moment
sinners like us
heaven must be a drab or dull resort
with flat harps and gray clouds and
blank angel faces, why would i want to
work towards that sky when
hell has its parties with tacky confetti and
hands on bodies in all the right places?
i was a freethinking bitch for a while but
i think i'll slow down and love you a minute, a lifetime
because damn, it feels good to know i'm pissing off all those
petty praisers with pennies in the passed-around basket
in GOD'S house, his
five millionth humble abode
i can't choke down what they're serving up here
so let's go, let's go, let's get out of...where?
to be found on some beach in the morning and know that
we took it slow, we took it slow
can we sculpt futures from marble and paste
paper mache and what we whispered last night,
it turned into dust to be carried into the thin barrier
of what we are
and what we dream of
and i love you, and that's all i need
cuz hell is alright, and i want to stay
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Comments: 8
Nana charrratata! Beautiful! You DON'T write enough anymore! Keep writing pretty lady!
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This is a wonderful piece. It really provides some interesting imagery, and it flows extremely well.
I'd have to say that the third stanza is the best for imagery, but the sixth stanza is the most thought-provoking.
The alliteration in the fourth stanza, whether intentional or not, was really prominent for me, and it really sticks in my mind.
The only thing that I would change about it is the way it's broken up. I'd group some different things together, but other than that, I'm pretty much in love with this piece.
=]
-Tyler
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wow, i'm shocked this was read so quickly
and i thank you muchly
break it up for me! feel free to take this and tweak with it, i'd love to see what you'd do with it!
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Welcome muchly. =]]]
Will do.
*monotonous interlude music plays while editing is happening*
Well, here's what I would do with the form of it. But, hey, this is just a personal preference.
hey, you in the background
tell me your name
in this cheap corner party that's all
scene and all talk
we could take this small chance
and be gone to the street corner
will you kiss me then, or
think about it for a while
while the wind whistles wanderlust
through my ears, i need to
up and go and spin and be lost
in a place that harbors
spur-of-the-moment sinners like us
I really only changed the first and second stanza. So, I took the rest of them out. No alterations, just moved it around a bit. I'm a grammar nazi, except when it comes to poetry. =]
But, I don't know. That just flows better for me. What about you?
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yeah! i definitely see what you're shooting at. for me, i usually read it out loud and see where the choppiness takes it. i'm a fan of choppiness.
but i agree, they way you edited it flows much better.
i don't think i'll change it, because the lack of flow, for me, keeps me on my toes a little. but i do enjoy how you moved it around.
thank you
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I see what you mean. Sometimes the choppiness in a poem actually helps to further the meaning behind it, however subtle. And it does fit the subject matter for that poem.
You're quite welcome! When I have time, I'll have to read more of your poems. I like them rather a lot. And I do understand why you're not changing it. It was, after all, a suggestion. =]
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