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gutterbreed β Ask Me
Published: 2006-02-21 09:49:25 +0000 UTC; Views: 229; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 14
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Description
I've turned into thisBit-lip, chipped-hip girl with a
Vice
In her chest, something that spins
Acidic remarks
[Quick quips]
To my every
Hateful
Whim
Now it's six, now it's
One hand and one finger past noon and
Where am I?
In a parked car, listening to a parked life as she
Spills herself to me in sentences written on
Torn notebook paper, each one
- each collection of words -
A different view on the same person
I'm caught in a hailstorm of
[repetition]
As she retells her story
Same as the last three-sixty-five
And the one before that
(Sans the notebook paper)
The sky is too wide for me, swirls of gray oil paints on some
Unforgettable canvas
[except for that strip of luxury sedan blue,
straight-as-you-please across the windshield]
So I keep my hands on the dashboard, the doors to this
Rocket ship
Are locked, and so'm I
In the end, they all ask me what I think, and
I can't ever tell the truth
Or this frayed whatever-you-call-it
Gets the curb corner rub-off until it
.snaps.
With a belt across my shoulder and
My thumb on the gearshift,
With my darling falltopieces sweetheart in the
Passenger seat
We're startled deer still by the sidewalk
And all that's processing to me is
Nobody asks because they want my opinion
Just my praise
Come with me
Our skin should melt into the seats until we can
Feel every inch of asphalt, every rock of gravel
That this two-ton monster rolls over
And you know as well as I,
It was never meant to be parked when we're
3, 2, 1 takeoff on this matte black strip of the 17
My highway
Our highway
And whatever song you play, I'll drum it on the gas pedal
Until our silver bullet blurs right in
With that sulky sky
The windows can be down, I'll
Steer with my knees,
Smoke imported tabacco, and
Forget what love is
Sticky hot Sunday once, you asked me
For my opinion
And let it in your ears when I said
Beautiful
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Comments: 12
mm...
Love the imagery you use. It really puts me there.
Add this to your lovely library with a 'cha-ching'
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*ch-ch-ching!*
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i hate that your "slump writing" is ten times as good as my best poetry.
i like that you have a sort of intro stanza, that it doesn't really relate directly to the piece but sets a tone for the whole thing.
you''ve got this gift for conveying emotion without overstating it. with this piece, especially, lines like "In a parked car, listening to a parked life," "As she retells her story/Same as the last three-sixty-five/And the one before that," i know exactly what you mean without feeling like you're beating me over the head with it. (does that make sense?)
the repition of the "trapped" imageβthe parked car, the locked doors, the deerβand then the (stagnant?) frustration over the not-so-opinions everyone's clamoring for. . . .brilliantly written.
i love the way you finish, with the whole "could-be, should-be" scenario. . .but of course it's too good to be true.
the one thing i'd change would be the use of the brackets. i get that you're trying to put an emphasis on certain parts, but in some places ("quick quips" and "repition") it just feels uneccessary and distracting. maybe thats just me, though.
did i make any sense? what i mean, is, this is brilliant
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ten times as...what weird drug have you swallowed, girl? i love your writing, always have, always will, and it's really my goal and inspiration every time i write, to get a piece across like you do. reading your poetry changed the way i write, and i truly mean changed it. i was (shame shame) one of those typical teenage angst writers up until i read fifty stories, so i have you to thank pretty much for every way i view my writing now.
hope you don't get weirded out by my love of your writing, but, well, there's the blatant truth
and, well, i can't describe enough how stoked i am to have you to talk to outside of a computer, because all the input in the world won't be worth the time we can sit and pick apart writing in person. i don't know if you picked up on who i was referring to in the car, but either way, you have a better peek at it than most people.
man, you are awesome. a million thanks.
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you've got me blushing, dude! that means a lotβi'm glad for any inspiration i help i can provide, it you really don't seem to need much.
i know who you're talking about in the first part (at least, i think i do), but who are you talking about in the second part?
keep writing, i'm eager for more.
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the second part?
anyone i'm capable of feeling free with.
there's very few people of the category, but
enough to keep me more than happy
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this is fairly entertaining, and wholly relatable to any who has had a friend with a journal.
a few little things:
"With a belt across my shoulder and
My thumb on the gearshift,
With my darling falltopieces sweetheart in the
Passenger seat
We're startled deer still by the sidewalk
And all that's processing to me is"
this stanza seemed a bit unnecessary for a few reasons, but the startled deer image referencing both the friend and the narrator seemed to dismiss the narrator.
the line in italics is very insiteful and good.
The last 3 stanzas kind of confused me, I couldn't really get a read if you were refering to some unknown or to the girl reading the narrator poetry.
other than that, gold.
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hehe, well, i guess my intent was to drive home the frustration of stillness. if it feels unnecessary or repetetive, i probably got it right then, huh? but yeah, painting the feeling of being locked in that car was pretty much what was on my mind.
the girl and the person i'm addressing in the last couple of stanzas are different people, but i really couldn't think of too tasteful a way to make that apparent...my bad.
thanks for the input, i love hearing real critique!
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"In a parked car, listening to a parked life"
This line will stay with me for awhile. Damn, I was just writing and took a break to read your stuff and I just don't think I can pick it up again, you're just that damn good. Everything flows and is natural, everything is real and uncontrived. Girl, you got a career in the stuff if you want it.
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y'flatter me 
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A very original style. I loved reading it. +fave
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