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devilspawn — Picture Perfect
Published: 2004-02-02 18:36:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 89; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 8
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Description
A photograph, a picture,A model, a
Guideline.
Pretty eyes, a smile of ivory.
You have a brain too?
Don't you just shine.
A cracking, flaking portrait of
Disturbing reality.
Am I out of line?
Cut and paste those features.
Childish schemes and tactics
Cover what once was fine.
But the smile doesn't fit;
These lips are too perfect.
The words they speak lie.
Scrape off this guise.
Read the ghastly cracks.
The message revealed is time.
My envy, my attrition,
My striving to be you,
Will lessen to what is mine.
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Comments: 5
I like the message you tried to create here. The quest to be perfect is universal, we all want to be better. But you took the opinion we are already perfect, we just have to realize it. Great way to think.
The poem uses good diction, and you have a very nice style to read. The poem is easy to understand. The puncuation and linebreaks could be better though, the flow would be so much better.
Keep it up
Greg
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
Well its nothing major, but just having some form of puncuation at the end of each line breaks up the flow of the poem a bit with unnessary stops
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Hum...Could you give an example for how I can fix them up? I'm not one for punctuation etc. in poetry. Thanks!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well its nothing major, but just having some form of puncuation at the end of each line breaks up the flow of the poem a bit with unnessary stops
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
