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Published: 2014-02-13 09:33:25 +0000 UTC; Views: 669; Favourites: 12; Downloads: 0
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The only thing telling me I wasn’t dead was the hand that reached into the cage and caressed my sun-burnt skin. Cool droplets of rain kissed my back as I lay face down on the hard ground. With every breath I sucked up more dirt; my throat was painfully dry and my chest ached to collapse. But I didn’t have the energy to sit, or even roll my head to the side.
“What’s wrong with that one? Why is he taking up an entire pen?” The voice was rough and agitated but I couldn’t bring myself to look up.
“He’s sick, sir.” A pause. “He drank from a river on the way over. I didn’t want him to but he was wea--”
“You let them drink downstream?” There was a sharp sound like wood against skin, accompanied by a yelp. “Are you going to give me back what I paid for them? Are you?”
“Please sir, that one was free.” The hand squeezed my own. “He came with the other one, they couldn’t be--”
“Married.” The man paused and the hand moved over the ring on my finger. Eyes burnt my skin like the sun. “Did you bring what I asked for?”
Gravel crunched slowly underfoot. Cautious steps. “Sir, I brought a few serving boys… but that one, he was the main--”
“That’s what you brought me?” Another slap. “You, look at me.” Shoes struck the metal bars of the cage repeatedly, getting harder each time. The hand shook me lightly. “I said look at me.”
I raised my head as high as it would go in the direction of the voice, but found that the master was much closer and stood further to the left than expected. I vaguely remembered his clothing belonging to one of the old high street brands. It’d been a while since I’d seen anyone wearing something that wasn’t stained or ripped. He rubbed the stubble on his chin and his dark eyes softened.
“Oh…” he mumbled, and for a moment he seemed to stumble over his words. My neck ached and gave way, letting my head thump back against the ground. “Oh. He is pretty, isn’t he?” The hand tightened its grip on my own. “Open the door. I want to see my purchase.”
A rusty hinge screeched and shoes shuffled around me. The hand held onto me so tight that it hurt. I choked on a groan as the hand released me and was replaced by a rougher pair that dragged me across the dirt face down. “For God’s sake, lift his head up. Don’t ruin his face!”
A voice yelled something that I couldn’t quite hear; it sounded so far away. A hand jerked my head upwards so that the heat of the sun scolded my face. I opened my eyes and found the master staring down at me, one hand wiping the sweat off his forehead and the other one under my chin.
“Oh, it is a shame.” He let my head flop back down before turning on his heels to walk away from me. “I give him 12 hours. When he dies, throw him in the pit with the other bodies.”
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Comments: 54
DailyBreadCafe In reply to ??? [2014-03-29 10:02:56 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the critique! It's really encouraging, although in the newer draft i guess the timelessness is lost as i tried to anchor it more. Most people had the problem that they couldn't locate it, and they said it was alienating as a reader... Also, because no one really gets to know the main character, which i suppose comes in later, but it's always good to make that connection immediately.
Thanks again ^.^
I'm getting really excited about continuing this, as yesterday Toby let someone read the whole current (and unfinished) draft (38,000 words) and they said they really wanted to know what would happen and they loved the story so far. When people are actually interested it gives us that push to continue ^.^
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Rose-Em In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-03-29 17:19:33 +0000 UTC]
Well, I suppose if that was a short piece of flash fiction, it's great to be timeless. Although as another writer on DA wrote, we're the ones creating and destroying mountains, so I'll let you do whatever the hell you want with your story. I'll just really look forward to it.
Where is it set around? Somewhere around Oliver Twist time, or is it a secret?
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Rose-Em [2014-03-29 20:53:06 +0000 UTC]
It's actually set in a dystopian future
There's a big earth quake that sort of messes everything up and fucks society so it kinda goes backwards in time.
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Rose-Em In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-03-31 04:34:20 +0000 UTC]
Oh, so something like a mass destruction of our power resources? So all the towers and windmills and all that going to the dogs?
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Rose-Em [2014-03-31 12:16:51 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, but more than that, it damages sanitary systems so badly that there's a huge outbreak of disease, high death rate, people are panicking, no one is there to do anything while the government turns corrupt because they're too busy worrying about whether they'll survive and how they're repopulate
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Rose-Em In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-03-31 14:32:50 +0000 UTC]
Well actually (because I have an odd amount of facts on this situation) in a case where humans are put into a spot like that, the population rates go up. The greater the conditions are, the less babies born per person. I don't know, just something to think about. When times are tough, people are distracting themselves somehow, ya know. XD
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Rose-Em [2014-04-01 14:48:50 +0000 UTC]
Not here, because the women it doesn't kill are left sterile which means they start a repopulation programme. Have you ever read the hand maid's tale? The programme doesn't actually feature in my story, but it would be something like that.
But yeah, what you're talking about is a psychology theory to do with reproduction when the life expectancy is low, but actually it means that you just have a large number of youths and people die quicker, or you lose a lot as they grow up. It's why animals have litters rather than just one at a time, it's to do with carrying on the gene even if a few die (really pessimistic, i know).
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Rose-Em In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-04-03 00:54:19 +0000 UTC]
Ya, I guess that's one way to do it. Although that just means you'll have to incorporate some sort of thing about the radiation.
Making people sterile. Hell of a way to go, I must say.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Rose-Em [2014-04-03 08:36:53 +0000 UTC]
Well, it's nothing to do with radiation, it's to do with the disease being contracted to the ovaries. I'm a bit of a medical enthusiast xD
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Rose-Em In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-04-03 14:53:14 +0000 UTC]
Well, I suppose that's another way of doing it. Although in the case, it might just be portions of populations. So if you ever have that character see anything else of the world, maybe you could contrast what's it's like where he's from and where he is going. You know, how other people are dealing with the apocalypse and all.
I just see a lot of people doing there, "Everything sucks," versions of this. I can imagine a few people would be well off.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Rose-Em [2014-04-03 16:16:50 +0000 UTC]
Well, it's not really in the world, anyway. My setting is a future Britain, so it's very cut off since it's its own island. I'm not really going to have the characters coming out of Britain, because that all feeds into the story later. What we're writing now was just a spin off from an idea i already have for a novel, and Toby wanted to write the story of a minor character, but then it sort of exploded into... well, it's currently at 40,000 words haha.
Not everything sucks, no. There's a corrupt government, and then the people that profit from the corruption. This is how my characters get separated, because one ends up living the high life and the other ends up a slave in the fuel pits.
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Rose-Em In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-04-03 22:22:19 +0000 UTC]
Oh, that's a good idea then. Some secluded island kinda solves that problem. For some reason, I was imagining one of those across America type of stories. It sounds like you've gotten something real neat going. I wish I had more time to sit down and write a whole bunch. However I kinda need sleep sometimes and all.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Rose-Em [2014-04-06 15:32:18 +0000 UTC]
I think a continent would be too difficult to be honest.
I wish i wrote more, sometimes i don't write anything for days, then loads will come out in a burst.
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Rose-Em In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-04-06 23:52:31 +0000 UTC]
Well, I suppose personally that I just get worried to see how much other people are writing.
Then again, I suppose it's still quality over quantity.
Anyways, good luck with your lovely story!
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to TheForgottenDaughter [2014-02-19 15:37:47 +0000 UTC]
Hello! Thanks so much for the critique, it is appreciated, although i have to admit that this chapter is going to be scrapped for a lot of the reasons you've pointed out. I was trying to make things a little vague because the main character is a bit out of it at this point, but at the same time, i realised that this could be really annoying for the reader, so i've rewritten the chapter from another character's point of view.
I hope you don't think you've wasted your time, but i did still find your comments useful and i'll try and think of those when i'm writing/editing future chapters Thanks again
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TheForgottenDaughter In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-02-19 17:55:56 +0000 UTC]
Hidden by Admin
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jim373 [2014-04-26 12:14:27 +0000 UTC]
This is exactly the sort of story that I enjoy reading... grabbed my interest right away!
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to jim373 [2014-04-27 12:16:09 +0000 UTC]
Thanks!! I'm glad you enjoyed it
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WishingUnderThatStar [2014-03-08 18:34:28 +0000 UTC]
I quickly read your replies after reading this and it confirmed my suspicions that the story is a dystopia. If the story is going towards a Colosseum/fight-to-the-death set-up, like The Hunger Games, then I would love to read more!
I think the descriptive sentences could be neatened up a bit. Considering the character's weakened state, it seems odd that some of the sentences are quite long. If a person is unwell or extremely tired then they're usually unable to concentrate or notice small details. Throwing in a few short sentences would have not only changed the pace, but would've supported the tired and weakened state the character is supposed to be in. Dystopia novels often have short, tight and often gritty descriptions and I think this is the perfect scene to apply it to.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to WishingUnderThatStar [2014-03-08 19:33:40 +0000 UTC]
This particular story doesn't go there. Well, actually, one of the characters kind of does but it won't be in this book. This story has kind of exploded. It was actually just a spin off short for one of the characters that features in a novel idea i have. Then we decided to write his story, and it just... got bigger, and bigger, and bigger...!
Yeah, we actually came to that same conclusion. We're scrapping this chapter and rewriting it because we didn't think it was any good to start of with a character with such limited senses anyway. I'm hoping to get more nitty gritty details into the next version, and in the rest of the story.
Thanks so much for your feedback
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brietta-a-m-f [2014-02-27 06:17:53 +0000 UTC]
Woo! Very short, but what a ride! I liked this a lot, and I'm almost sad that it has been mostly scrapped for a re-write, but I'm familiar with your work, so I'm confident that I'll like the new version just as well.
Since an in-depth critique will be somewhat wasted here, I'll just answer your questions!
Yes, I am very definitely intrigued. The incredibly and believably weak main character casts a very interesting light on the situation, and there is definitely the feel of delerium. The somewhat batty master is interesting, and I found myself wanting to learn more about him. (Which is definitely a major mark in the story telling, as I usually really dislike such people and don't care to read about 'em. I'm a bit of a bleedin' heart!)
I think he's believable here. From what I can get out of the little taste so far, he doesn't suffer from "superhero syndrome" like many main characters who can go through hell and still stand tall at the end. As for personality and character, well, I can't speak to that much yet. I'm excited to see though!
Again, not really enough to go in depth with it. I would almost suggest that there should be more description of the pen, as I found it hard to create a visual (at one point, I wondered it is was a kennel), but the lack of description actually falls in line with the POV of the story. The nameless character likely wouldn't notice that kind of thing in such a situation, and so it wouldn't be credible for him to notice it for the reader's benefit. So, I don't know there.
Can't wait to see what new direction you've taken this in!
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to brietta-a-m-f [2014-02-27 15:36:53 +0000 UTC]
Basically, the new version just starts from the point of view of another character, and i'll split between them throughout the story -- not equally though. I just wanted to try ground this story more, so i needed a character that could actually see things... although i'm not sure that i've put enough detail into the new version anyway. I'm trying not to upload the next part until we're properly into the swing of writing installments regularly, i think people are more likely to read and critique it if it's a regular thing, not every now and again.
Thanks a lot for your feedback
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brietta-a-m-f In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-02-28 09:24:14 +0000 UTC]
Probably not a bad idea to hold off until you get things settled, story and writing wise. I got too excited in one of mine, and ended up with some things that are a little more unfinished than I like.
Can't wait to see it, though!
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streetcamera17 [2014-02-25 13:55:07 +0000 UTC]
Oh, intrigued! Definitely intrigued! As for the main character, the fact that this will be a first chapter to a much larger endeavor means that he's certainly going to survive so that right there says that he's a survivor, that he's made of sterner stuff. And that always makes for such interesting stories.
Plus, he's 'pretty' so that's another point in his favour. (Teasing! ... kinda.)
As for what's working/what's not... Hm, I honestly think everything is working! There doesn't seem to be a note out of place. I'm definitely gonna follow this one.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to streetcamera17 [2014-02-25 18:33:16 +0000 UTC]
Yay, i'm glad you're intrigued. This chapter has pretty much been scrapped now (there's a little bit of it left in the new version) and i'm hoping that makes it even better. The novel/novella will actually have two narrators, and i hope that works in our favour.
Haha, his prettiness plays into the story quite a bit, that comes later, though.
Yay, this makes me feel more confident about eventually uploading the next bits. We're 20,000 words into the story, so really only at the beginning.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to TheForgottenDaughter [2014-02-19 15:46:25 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for this comment, too
That was my main worry with the main character, because i'm trying to make him a bit "out of it" but then i realised it doesn't really work very well if we're trying to establish him as a character and as a narrator because it doesn't really establish anything. That's something we've addressed in the new version.
The master is a bit crazy. He's really conflicted, and a bit power mad, and at the same time, he's trying to maintain an array of different facades for different people. This gets shown a lot more later on because he changes his behaviour a lot depending on who he's with. I'll try slow it down in scenes, though.
Yay, i'm glad it hooked you. I wasn't sure if it was really a good way to start, but that convinces me to continue Thanks so much for your thought out comments ^.^
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to RowantheFierce [2014-02-14 23:20:53 +0000 UTC]
Thanks there'll be more about the character's relationship when we rewrite.
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Goldfish-In-Space [2014-02-14 05:31:43 +0000 UTC]
I am interested, yes.
I have read things that start out like this-- outside of the elder scrolls games even-- but you said that this wasn't exactly the starting point. It's interesting that this is sci-fi rather than fantasy.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Goldfish-In-Space [2014-02-14 08:03:18 +0000 UTC]
Hmm I've never read/played elder scrolls so I wouldn't know. I don't read fantasy really, that's why I wouldn't write it. But maybe I should put a short description in the comments box about it. It's a futuristic dystopia.
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Goldfish-In-Space In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-02-14 08:34:33 +0000 UTC]
The anon-slave opening is a common enough trope in fantasy. Elder scrolls opens every game with it, because it's easy to make your character in that situation.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Goldfish-In-Space [2014-02-14 10:25:47 +0000 UTC]
Ahh I see. Innerestin'.
Our other start will still be slaves, but a different part and a different character -- one who's not out of it so that it's easier to establish setting and character. I don't read (high/adventure) fantasy or play games. Maybe I should but actually no, I don't really like fantasy, so it's a miracle that I'm pretty much obsessed with a song of ice and fire
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Goldfish-In-Space In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-02-14 20:09:04 +0000 UTC]
I could never get behind game of thrones. Political intrigue has never been a selling point for me. I tend to prefer really terrible old high fantasy stuff like Micheal Moorcock-- the overlap between the Elric Saga, which is fantasy, and something like John Carter of Mars, which is sci-fi is surprising, though.
What kind of dystopic or non-dystopic science fiction have you been reading?
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Goldfish-In-Space [2014-02-14 23:32:17 +0000 UTC]
There's so much more than the politics though!
I've read a lot of science fiction and dystopian stories but i'm one of those people who's really bad at recalling what I've read when asked, so I won't go into specifics, but I've read a lot of Margaret atwood, malorie blackman, David Michel, Alan Moore. And I'm always in the top science fiction category on amazon I read a lot of science fiction short stories too. I really want to see up a good reads to keep track of what I read but I never get round to it
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Goldfish-In-Space In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-02-15 05:46:46 +0000 UTC]
I've been told I should read some Alan Moore, and I'm a bad literary Canadian for not reading more Atwood.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Goldfish-In-Space [2014-02-15 13:13:29 +0000 UTC]
Atwood is awesome. Her earlier stuff not so much but, ya know.
I read more recent sci fi, like i said i'm normally on amazon's best sellers list. A lot of those seem to fall into young adult lit as well, like a lot of things by susan collins, veronica roth etc.
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Goldfish-In-Space In reply to DailyBreadCafe [2014-02-15 20:15:27 +0000 UTC]
My love affair with old, and incredibly terrible, sci-fi might one day end. Until then, I will reread John Carter of Mars.
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to C-A-Harland [2014-02-14 16:34:01 +0000 UTC]
Yeah this is sort of the reason why we want to start it somewhere else, because it was difficult to realistically give a sense of setting
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to C-A-Harland [2014-02-14 23:22:53 +0000 UTC]
I guess, but I think we'll just throw it out and start elsewhere.
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Lucain24 [2014-02-13 10:43:48 +0000 UTC]
I love the character development as it progresses throughout. Nothing is more entertaining then being able to feel how the main character does. This is quite the deviation, and I'm a bit eager to see more..
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DailyBreadCafe In reply to Lucain24 [2014-02-13 14:05:21 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! ^.^
I think the chapters we've written lately have brought his voice out a little more. The problem now is that we're considering switching from first person to third person.
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