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DailyBreadCafe — 726 Days
Published: 2013-09-20 20:00:59 +0000 UTC; Views: 106; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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FRIDAY, 15 JUNE 2012
726 days. That’s 17,424 hours; 1,045,440 minutes; 62,726,400 seconds… I guess that doesn’t mean much, though. After all this time trying to get past this condition, it just seems that I’m in the same spot… only worse. 15 days and it could be all over.
In all honesty, I don’t know how to feel about it. I’m past waking up every morning and feeling that shitty hot feeling in my stomach when I realise it’s not a dream. I’m past waiting for a miracle to come along. In 15 days, I’ll be no longer eligible for a transplant which would be fine if I weren’t so damn close to the top of the list for a transplant that could save my life. Now, is it just me, or is someone/something just trying to piss me off?
C’mon, let’s think about it. I can’t just chill out and go quietly. Nor can I start running around being a lunatic and wearing myself out until I die. Nope, I have to stay anxious – JUST INCASE. I’m sure some people would be happy to have a little bit of hope. I know my family are but I suppose what I’m saying is that I’m not ok with this.
For the last week, it’s taken so much effort to pull myself out of bed. I’ve had fits. I’ve had blood coming out of my ears, out of my nose, mouth, eyes, DICK FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Sometimes when I stand up I get dizzy. Sometimes when I sit up I get dizzy. Sometimes, I don’t even have to move – I’m just dizzy. Have you tried keeping food down when you feel constantly feel dizzy?
Why would anyone want to live like this? My hair is falling out and I have so many sores in my mouth that I constantly taste blood. Yay. I’m so sick of people telling me to “hang in there” or “keep on fighting”. Really? I’m sick and tired – in every possible way.
Maybe I’m just pissed off at my hour-long nose bleed but I’m going to bed and hopefully this will all be over when/if I wake up.
