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The pain Inside... — Description
My last pic for tonight I promose
very long explaination
Kinda lame title but it was the best I could come up w/.
I drew this one night when I got kinda depressed and decided to let it out a little in my art. The blue quotes are my own but the green ones are from different songs. Maily Korn. Now, for a little understanding the pic:

child: that's me when I was little. I wore one of my dad's many drill instructor shirts as a night shirt when I'd stay the night half the time. I drew it a little too short cause that thing swallowed me. And it still does. When I was a kid, I always loved my dad and would always brag about how cool he is to my friends and they'd all want to meet him. But I knew that when I went to see him, he was far from my mimaginary dad I'd created. Personality wise. You see, I was never really cared for when I would go to my grandma's house on my weekends w/ dad. My sis and I would hang out w/ him and we'd go to Walmart and get a toy or cd and then we'd get dropped off at my grandma's house and he'd be all " Oh, I've gotta go run a quick errand. I'll be back " and leaves. I don't feel up tp giving you full details, but when I'd wake up the next morning, my sis and dad would be gone. I was left at my grandma's house. This happened every other weekend I saw him during that time. No one bothered to care for me and each night, I'd try to stay awake so I can tell my dad that I wanna go home w/ him and brooke this time. But it never happened. Hardly ever at all.

current age: me taking the hand of my past self and letting her know that it's gonna be okay cause I'm watching over her now. Because I will care for her when no one else would those weekends. Because at this age, my eyes have opened up to so many clear answers that I never knew for the sake of my protection. I know that my mom and sis were trying to prevent me from getting hurt but I did in a different way-by learning all the secrets kept from me and figuring things out for myself. I'm hurt. Hurt a lot that my own father-my own flesh and blood- was too selfish and uncaring to bother to watch over his youngest daughter when she came to visit. If that was the case dad then why did you create me?

the transparent evil: As I got older (about 14is) I'd desgined evil Amber. Mainly for my own amusement but the more I drew her and gave her my opposite personality, as I got older and realized thiese things, I realized that there is more to her now. I often hate myself for being just like my dad. We're both reckless, we both have tempers (except mines microscopic and controlable compared to his), we both kinda stand out of the crowd (which I don't know if he really did or not but that's what he told me once), we're both antisocial in a shy way, we both even have the same elements for crying out loud, and I've got a bit more of his personality that I do mom's it feels like. I look just like my mom and sis but I'm so different from the 2 of them half the time....So the evil amber image is all the bad things that I don't like much or I never wanted because I sometimes feel like it's tainted w/ my dad's traits all over it.

the door: when Toadie and I became friends, we always seemed to read each other's minds so we often teased each other about it. And we had the image of the back corner of my mind be a door. And I would always laugh and say not to open the door. And he would ask why and I would tell him that it's cause there's bad stuff in there. Well, these past 2 almost 3 years, that door's been slowly opening inch by inch revealing more secrets about my past. And each time I finally give in and talk about it, I always think that now I can just let it go. But each time I briefly think about it, half the time I don't mean to it just comes up, it hits me full force and I fall into a slight depression or emotional anger...
So now you've had a little taste of the darker side of Amber...she's always so Mountain Dew crazed, mature but also immature, hyper, and cute....she holds back a lot and locks it up and hopes the key's never found....
all chars (c) me
quotes (c) Korn, Evans Blue, Limp Bizkit,Adema, Disturbed, Evanescence, Tantric