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Your eyes. Through it, I saw so much. You barely looked up, barely ever faced me, but I saw them. And they intrigued me. They made me fall for you.

I didn't know you, I had never spoken to you. Yet the moment I saw you, I knew I would, one day. As stares became smiles, I knew it wouldn't be long anymore. And then, we talked. I'd seen you many times, gazed into your eyes regularly, without you even realizing. I knew the sound of your voice, because we were often sitting close to each other. But when you spoke directly to me, your voice sounded different. Or was it me who wanted it to? Was it me who thought it sounded softer, because I wanted you to talk me softly? Was it me who thought it sounded sweeter, because I wanted it to sound sweeter when you talked to me? Was it me? Or did it really?

As I got to know you, I only got more and more intrigued by you. You were everything I thought you were. But I wished I was wrong. Even though I couldn't stop myself from falling for you, I didn't know if it was a good thing. Other than you being the most beautiful soul I had met at that moment, you were also the person with the most painful one. You were bruised, scarred. I could compare you to a diamond, only the other way around. When a diamond is rough at first and beautifully polished later, you were beautifully polished, but turned rough. And it would take a lot of work to polish you again. And I couldn't, but I hoped I could.

Every story you told me, connected us deeper and deeper. I hated to see you in so much pain, but a part of me was happy for you. For you had a girl you loved very deeply. Even though I wished I was her, I wasn't. I could never be her and you could never love me like you loved her. And as the only thing I wanted, was to see you smile, I prayed for your relationship to eventually make you smile like you probably once did, even if you may not remember when.

I decided to move on, because I could not come between two people who loved each other so dearly. And even though it was hard to take a distance from you, but still talk to you like I didn't see you as more a friend, that is what I did. The distance I took helped me deal with my feelings. And I met someone too. This time, someone that liked me as much as I liked him. Or at least that's what I thought ...

As I was in love again, your relationship fell apart. You needed a friend more than ever. And there I was, for I would never let you drown. I thought I'd be ok.

I thought wrong.

Instead of being able to be there as a friend, old feelings came up again. While I hoped they had left, I soon discovered the truth. They would never leave.

So there I was, in a relationship with one guy, being in love with another. Both I loved. The easy solution would have been to break contact with him. But I couldn't … He was in so much pain that I was afraid of what would happen if I dropped him. Because even though he did not love me, I did mean a lot to him. That I knew by his texts in the middle of the night, asking me if I was asleep, because he needed someone to talk to. I knew by the things he told me.

As time struck by and his tears kept coming, I couldn't handle it anymore. He felt worthless, unloved. And he was so wrong … To me, he was worth everything. I would've done anything for him, just to see him smile. And unloved? It was impossible for me not to love such a pure, fragile soul that I could talk to for hours and hours. And so I told him, that he was not unloved. I told him that I loved him.

Surprisingly for me, my words didn't come as a surprise to him. He knew all along, but wished he was wrong. He didn't want me to love him. I think he didn't want anyone to love him. I think he was afraid to hurt people because of how hurt he was.

So there I was: admitting my feelings for one guy, while being with another. I didn't know what to do.

Time passed by and we kept talking. Even though I had these strong feelings for him, I couldn't abandon him, I couldn't be so selfish. But our conversations didn't make things easier. I fell deeper and deeper in love and kept telling him, but at the same time, my relationship was something I only hung onto because I was afraid to be alone.

And because I hung onto both of them, I almost lost both of them. The person I loved unconditionally, tried to break me. Me and my relationship. When truth came out and feelings were hurt, I was on the edge of losing everything. The person I fought to see smiling, I had already lost, my partner was a different case. With complete honesty, we got through it. But we shouldn't have. I never felt for him what I felt for the stranger I fell in love with at first sight. Things should have ended there, but I did love him and other than that, my fear of being alone grew stronger.

But the thing is, in the end, I realized that I couldn't settle for less than what I had felt before. Something so strong and almost magical. Something I would never forget.

My love for him was stronger than anything I had felt before. So my relationship ended, but that didn't change anything. Our connection was broken, shattered. Because I couldn't control my feelings. The guy I could never let go, let go of me. And he was right to do so.

After many years, I experienced many different kinds of love. But he was the first one I truly loved. And when I truly love, I love forever. Such feelings can be controlled, but they can never really leave. Until today, he still means a lot to me. And while after years of completely ignoring each other, we finally speak again, nothing has changed. Expect for one thing: control. And while I hate knowing that some people in my life, I will love forever, it is also the most beautiful thing.

I can only say one thing: love unconditionally, fall in love again every day, cherish everything. But remember: love yourself first. And don't let anyone break you, no matter how much you love them. Choose you, before anyone else. But love like it's the last day you can love.