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If He's Not a Vampire... — Description
There ya have it, folks. Edward Cullen is a unicorn.

I can explain it, too, in Stephenie Meyer style. You see, some time ago, the unicorns got this weird mutation, and then they could turn into humans. The side effect of this, however, was the taste for blood, and sparkly skin. But they survived, and the other unicorns didn't, so it must've done something right. (Go Darwin!)

So here's the conversation:
Edward: I'm a vampire!
Vampire: More like a FAIRY.
Fairy: Are you kidding me? Do I LOOK like I sparkle!?
Vampire: If he's not a vampire, and he's not a fairy, then what is he?
...
...
...? (unicorn)

The vampire is actually a recent creation of mine. Yes, she has black spiky hair, and yes, her name is Alice, but if you compare her to Alice Cullen, she will rip your head off and gouge out your innards. She dyed her hair black, dotes on the color black, and is really sinister.

The fairy is a creation of mine, too, but I don't have a name for him yet. Actually, I don't even have a design for him yet. That's a random design. But he's a Rose Fairy, which is like a Jesus or a Mohammad for the Fairy Culture of mine. He's the Red Rose Fairy, called the Red Lord, and he decides the final fate of the Fairies. (it really should be spelled Faery). I'll explain more if you ask.

Because you see, Edward being called a vampire is offensive to vampires. But him being called a fairy is offensive to fairies. I have never seen a fairy sparkle with such atrociousness. So that leaves the all-important question: What is he?

I say a unicorn. What say you?

Follow-up comic: [link]

Edward (c) Stephenie Meyer (she can keep him.)
Red Lord & Alice (no last name) (c) me ( i guess. I might never use them...)