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Days Of Fair To Middling Past... — Description
WARNING: The following text is shock full of non-nostalgia, anti-modernism and "my insight makes right" positions. It is not going to be kind to the subject in question in the least. So if you are worshipping the dude's work, this essay might smite you ... though Spoilers: I would not have it otherwise.

So... Chris Claremont. How shall I address the legend, the myth, the man himself, the savior, the messiah of a fuckton of old school Marvel fans ? Yeah okay, maybe he is yours. Certainly not mine.
I have quite the odd relation with Ol' Chris here. On the one hand, none will deny his contribution to the X-men franchise. It was a soon-to-be-cancelled book and the dude went full-on Edgar Rice Burroughs (he's a Barsoom fan by the way !) on it which re-invigorated it . Not to take away from the dude, it happens in a LOT of long running comic book series. One should not forget that long-running comics often have to slug through mediocrity till THE creative team that is needed does something to kick things in high gear (you'd think this would make adaptations easier...go figure...). Another case would be Giffen and Levitz on Legion Of Superheroes. An exception would be Iron Man because GODDAMN, from Mantlo to Kaminski it was a GOLD MINE of pathos, fun, creativity and polyvalence ! I am repeating that statement because it cannot be declared enough.
With THAT said and acknowledged (I always give the devil his dues after all...), ON THE OTHER HAND, he is not my bag. I shall re-iterate what I said in the essays about his 2 successors on the book as well as the first x-men writer that was ever in parallel to him:
" To be honest, I've never found Claremont as amazing as everyone makes out. If the real deal X-men was ONLY and PURELY Claremont's, I would not even be talking about them( This may surprise you but I only discuss about what I really love and very rarely about what pisses me off. Why ? Cuz life's short that's why !)
The main reason being that Claremont's sensibilities (characters and plots) simply aren't mine AND if you know my favorite X-men characters then you've guessed that most were not developped by him or he had very different plans for them. Some shmuck says that Lobdell and Nicieza are just Claremont Wannabes ? Well that's a GOOD thing because after rereading Claremont entire 70s and 80s runs, there's only so much BDSM, Mind-Control, Peace and War speech, whimsy and ickiness my brain can take. Thus when re-reading the UXM books, in chronological order, I honestly saw what they brought as something new and different to the table. That and I am a lot more in the "Louise Simonson's X-Factor" side of the 80's X-men rather than his, mostly because the character focus was more to my taste."

THOSE feelings NEVER changed my good friends. In fact, they were even ENHANCED after last time I binge-read them ! Yeah there are plenty of "legendary" creative teams but only some of those I agree with and Claremont is NOT one of those. In fact very few things that made me enjoy X-men actually come from Claremont himself.

While it's true that writing quirks in those days tend to be wordy; Chris takes those 5 steps beyond.
It is dully melodramatic, overly descriptive and often falls flat. I do like a few of his character creations though, but you fellows expected that. het gets props. but it only goes so far So, and because I am a non-charismatic jerk that believes that YOLO, I've decided to put my take on the whole shebang !
These comics are products of their time (and so is humanity...), so you're not gonna hear me bitch about that or be offended with that. If you do, grow a pair and face history ! And to all those who say that Chris's X-men are family and when he left, said family sense disappeared... those people must honestly have shit for brains. Because that "family" aspect is a very volatile one in Claremont's hands. They end up being at most a bunch of shmucks that only the ones he cares about will get a favorable treatment (ironically the ones he neglects end up the better for it...)
. I will however go insane at some point when we reach the REALLY stupid parts of the different runs ! Not "New X-men" level of wretched mind you BUT there are parts that made me cringe/my vein pop.
With that said, here is what Keith Giffen had to say about the series ... In all fairness, I kinda think that about the Legion and the Titans too, BUT it is also how I sometimes feel about Claremont's X-men after binge-reading :
" And, of course they'd whine and moan and bitch and piss around. "Oh, we're not accepted and oh, we're mutants and everyone hates us." I look back and say, "Yeah, they're outcasts, but now they're all drawn like a f*cking fashion model. The guys are handsome. The women are drop-dead gorgeous. They got the cars, they got the clothes, and on top of everything else they can fly? Shut the hell up. I don't want to hear about it."

So let the show start my beloved audience ! Just to prevent future disappointment, I may not be bringing my A-game... whatever that is...
In case you wonder ; YES this drawing is based on the "classic" *COUGH* UXM 141 cover. But the tone of said drawing might tip you on how I feel about said story and that overall run. I also took the liberty to replace its initial duo who are everybody's favorite X-man and Joss Whedon's waifu by the 2 you see here. Why ? Because these 2 are superior characters in every way and the gateway to my delight. Also I will only adress his Uncanny X-Men stint ! Why ? Because "New Mutants" really taught me to BEG. I had to wait for Cable to finally make his entrance so that interesting things happen and that these kids get an actual goddamn teacher (because his 2 predecessors were rather appalling). That series is for the most part a collection of Claremontian quirks pushed to the extreme "Nothing could have saved me from that"...and NO I am not waiting for the new movie, It is going to bite...fucking Illyana ? Really ? Excalibur is another big NO for similar reasons... and because I LOATHE bloody Captain Britain and his twat of a wife ! Ya hear ?! Now an erotic parody...

ROUND 1: DAVE COCKRUM

Since Dave was working in the Legion Of SuperHeroes, he brought some of his designs over there. And it is a line-up the fans remember and worship.
Before going bullet points here (what ? Ya expect an analysis ? We ain't in school 'ere, I am schooling ya mah boi !) let's adress our candidates that replace the O5 (if you wanna know who they are, I believe you shall take a good look here devilkais.deviantart.com/art/J… ...)
The seventies selection IS
* Storm: Claremont's favorite. Claremont fans' favorite. Some people say that Claremont's Ororo is such a great character that the series should be called "Storm and the X-men" ... good for them...
* Thunderbird: First corpse in the team. Thankfully his younger brother will save the name.
* Nightcrawler: Fuzzy blue dude that the ladies dig. Then again he's quite the catch !
* Wolverine: Everyone's favorite mutant. Sooo much that EVERY X-men movie HAS to be about him ! After all he has the power of flailing angrily with his metal claws ! If he ain't your favorite , you will give back your nerd card ! (didn't know I had one so I asked which one of their orifices they wanted me to shove said card...)
* Colossus: Occidentals love this fucker for ... I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY !
* Sunfire: ktamare bakayaro...

- Charles goes around recruiting his new students : the persecuted Kurt Wagner (poor guy...), Logan who does what anyone would love to when giving their resignation, Sean who was at the movies, Ororo (who will lose the right of being topless unfortunately), Shiro (who's kind of a douche...), Piotr (*HEADDESK*) and John who will never be as cool as James BUT told Xavier to stuff it... I like him already !
- We finally see Cyclops eyes in regular non-blasting state... they're fucking TERRIFYING. No wonder I will love his daughter and son so much.
- Krakoa ! The Island that walks like a man ! That's rather cool...
- So electrocuting Polaris gives her her powers back. Got it.
- The O5 have decided to leave (because they wait for a better book they'll eventually get...). Also Wolverine is a douche to Iceman, then to Scott. Yeah, NOW you know whose side I'm on in the Claremont days...
- So Cyclops stays in order to help the noobs accommodate to the danger room and Xavier's insanity.
- Ah Count Nefaria , you son of a gun ! How's Whitney these days ?
- John Proudstar ... IS DEAD. Oh well, James is up for the task at least !
- Cyclops grieves over his teammate's demise. No wonder he'll be retconned to inexistence in 2001 !
- Well blow my bagpipe ! Moira Mactaggert is actually pretty hot !
- Not Gonna lie, Alex Summers really ROCKS the Dr Alan Grant look ! And then he and Lorna are captured by ALIENS. Will this be a trend ?!
- Cyclops bitchslaps Wolverine to have him shut his fucking clock. * APPLAUSES*
- Oh yeah... a Sentinels story... yaaaay... Get used to this, Claremont is kind of lacking in terms of villains...
- And then we reach THAT scene... not gonna lie , it's a good one and a good showcase as to why Jean is a great character. She chose to sacrifice herself so that her teammates might live, leading her to even K.O. Scott as he'd simply REFUSE that scenario . Oh yeah and there's this speech:
"The name is JEAN, mister and I have just aout HAD IT with you ! I have TRIED to like you, Wolverine - Obnoxious little UPSTART that you are - but for the life of me, I don't know why I made the EFFORT ! SO shut your mouth, and get into the life cell NOW ! Before I lose my temper !"
Ahhh, Jeannie, no wonder I love you. This rises my rock of the eternal shore ! So Jeannie disappears ... then reappears in that Phoenix costume (but since they can shove it up their rectums, then she's sealed, suspended in a cocoon witing for the blessed year of 1986...THEN THE FUN SHALL TRULY START !)
another detail about this scene; in the 90's cartoon, it was adapted but with a Hama-inspired Logan, thus ending up dramatic rather than
- Nightcrawler goofs off wth his image inducer... I hope he keeps doing that, he's hilarious !
- According to the flashback, Storm is born in 1951... PFAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA !
- Scott and the Prof are having a fallout... no worries Cyke, your seed will give way to the future while his biggest contribution is to be targetted by the 90's X-villains (the Best X-villains !).
- Logan is mocked by Warwick Davis. Thanks Warwick !
- Sean and Black Tom fight to the death. Ah, cousins...
- And Magneto FINALLY appears. Why was he absent ? Well he was a baby. Who grew him back ? Eric the red. What do I say to this ? I shall advocate for post-natal abortion. With a metallic base-ball bat. Yeah, I am the king of ironic wit !
- Shi'ar empire... without Deathbird.... PASS !

ROUND 2 : JOHN BYRNE

As much of a jerk Byrne is (and as awful his fanbase fucking is) The dude gets more comic cred from me that Chris ever does. His Superman, his Darkseid, his Mandarin his Fin Fang Foom, his Lex Luthor and his Dr Doom... so yeah, I happen to dig a lot of his stuff. THIS is not one of them. If you appreciate it though, then you will dig Whedon's run as it is pretty much a blowjob dedicated to THIS collaboration.
Well we only have one new addition here...
KITTY PRYDE: yeah, the major caps are warranted and deserved. As this little snot is fucking IRRITATING ! She is one of those characters that made me wish I could reach the page and break her clavicles REPEATEDLY ! I often hear that Kitty is "the girlfriend all comic geeks wish they'd have"... Honestly, I don't often say this but, guys, you can do better than her !

- So stuff happens with Corsair being Scott's dad...
- Magneto comes to attack and...you know he's gonna be a haxxed motherfucker and he's obsessed withh DESTROYING THEM ! I give him credit for the robotic nanny
- Fight in the savage land ! and yes Wolvie is the fucking load of the group. I still cannot understate the miracle Larry Hama pulled with the hairy midget here...Though I'll admit that seeing Scott blasting him left and right is highly entertaining.
- Stuff happens in Japan with Misty Knight, Moses Magnum and Wolverine discovering his future to-be-deceased wife.
- Alpha Flight is a thing apparantly...don't look at me, was never much of interest to me to be honest...
- The Psi-War between Xavier and the Shadow King, a fight of Stands in Egypt ! No wonder Xavier's will be waaay more destructive in the log run...
- Arcade and his Murder World ... not gonna lie, I dig this dude... Plus he turned Colossus into the Proletarian. Inventive !
- Proteus, the dreadful! The terrifying ! The mighty! Actually the scariest thought is how a reality warping incorporeal mutant came out of Moira MacTaggert's vagina. Kinda explains why she'd hook with Xavier at some point.

* The Dark Phoenix Saga:
Wellll... I shall come out and just say it; I hate this comic. I hate the people worshipping this fucking comic . I HATE the idiots who cling to this GODDAMN thing like you cannot believe and DESPISE it with each passing reading. UGGGHHHH... But I am bound to tallk about it
- Kitty makes her first appearance, she looks like a goddamn muppet... the kind that Wilkins destroys for not liking Wilkins coffee.
- The White Queen appears and she's a half decent antagonist. She's meticulous and acts more like Shaw's Lieutenant to be honest. This might shock you, but she has little to do with the Phoenix affair per say. She gave Wyngarde the projection mechanism (sooo, she's an engineer in her free time...) but then it was his plan and his manipulation that did the trick. In fact she gets attacked by the Phoenix and...that's it. And she won't meet the real Jean Grey till 11 years later in terms of comics publication . Weird eh ?
- Dazzler appears... but Remy doesn't so Scott cannot invite him to the disco...
- " I don't think the litte fraulein likes me...", come now, Kurt whatever makes you say that ? SPOILERS: He's right...
- While I am at it , yeah, the HellFire Club costume code is BS, Emma looks soo much better in a white tuxedo anyway...
- So Warren welcomes Jean...by lip-kissing her. Ah, Claremont, you odd man, you...
- Then, Jack Nicholson, Orson Welles, Max Zorin and Mind Rapist attack the X-men and get the upper hand. All is fair till the Mind Rapist, Jason Wyngarde, loses his grip on the redhead in BDSM gear, as we'd all do of course.
- The Dark Phoenix attacks. Fuck you, Dark Phoenix. The Dark Phonix is uber-haxxed. Fuck you, Dark Phoenix. The Dark Phoenix eats a sun. Fuck you, Dark Phoenix.
- The Dark Phoenix is countered by Jean's love for Scott and Xavier's intervention, ending up naked. Fu... no wait, I am totally cool with that.
- Sooo because she consumed a damn planet , tha phoenix is condemned to a space duel. She dies disintegrated and I cannot wait for this bullshit to be over with so that the TRUE Jean comes back and that the TRUE great x-men villains FINALLY show up. Fingers crossed ! Till then the story goes on and I shall suffer the dumbfucks that see this yarn as the bee's knees. In all honesty, if a Jean Grey fan praises this story as her best tale ever, then they were never Jean fans in the first place, because at best, it's an oddball tale that does not involve the genuine deal and at worst it sullies the character with a the "high resurrection count" reputation that morons cling too (which consists of 0... no joke. It's 0.).
And don't get me started on later bullshit like the "White Phoenix of the crown" or "The white hot room", cus I'll shiv ya mate !

* Days of Future Past:
- The origin for this "legendary" story (that the cartoon did with better characters...) is that supposedly Byrne wanted a Sentinels' story while Claremont did not. So they did this...
- Oh yeah and now that Kitty has officially come to the team ... Well I hope it won't mean that EVERYTHING will be about her... nah, just 80% of the goddamn time.
- The first time Mystique and team rocket... I mean the future Freedom Force unite. It's funny how I expected back in the day to see Raven in more comics yet she surprisingly is not in that much. Not to mention that as far as villains go, she left me kinda cold... go figure. Guess credit goes to TAS and EVO for really doing something with her.
- Why don't I talk about the plot now ? I do not care. Seriously. The only noticeable thing is that Rachel Summers first appears in it in a secondary role (that's a trait she shares with her brother...)

-The Origin of NIGHTCRAWLER ! Yaaaay ! And man can Claremont NOT stop himself from making it creepy in the WRONG way. How come ? Well his girlfriend was his sister all along ! I know he's adopted BUT relation by blood or not, it is still GODDAMN WRONG ! Also her disguise is just a weird hat. Bugs Bunny would be proud and Clark Kent would be suing for plagiarism...
And this bit " I never liked Nightcrawler much. He was always nice to me but he looked ... so weird." , such a likable character our dear Miss Pryde. God what a cunt !
This is the annual where I understood this; I am really not on the same wavelengths as Chris Claremont or his fans...

Surprisingly a lot of fans claim that the X-men lost their way or whatever. After THIS run ? Are those morons for real ? Obviously they are since their fucking blogs are everywhere for you to see. Well...fuck them.

ROUND 3: DAVE COCKRUM... AGAIN

Dave is back , tell a friend ! I did follow his advice on drawing Jean's legs though...

- "Doom is a ... fascinating man". In the same way ... I will concede you that Storm. I hope Chris won't develop the habit of praising the "nobility of nefarious baddies". Nah, he'd never do something so preposterous.
- So Scott and Aleytys Forester find themselves lost in an island controlled by none other than Magneto. And since Byrne is gone , now Claremont can shove down our throat the biggest retcon... sorry I mean... the biggest "reveal" ever in the franchise. People still orgasm whenever they read this story. But to me , the way it is done is so fucking clumsy that I am amazed people bought it. In the meantime, he turns Cyke and Lee into cosplayers , the fiend !
- Sean Cassidy discovers that he's a dad ! And yes, considering sho his daughter is, he has every reason to be proud.
- ... We reach the whole "Magneto is right" bullshit and ... yeah it IS bullshit. The X-men DO have villains with tragic backgrounds that will come and handle the whole "tragic villain" concept waaaay better both in foreshadowing and in terms of actual reveal. Case in point 2.bp.blogspot.com/vw3oENI0ES1_… 2.bp.blogspot.com/mIUr3mYkfdm-…
Erik is not one of them. And if you really want a great comic with a concentration camp survivor as an antagonist, read "Blacksad: Red Soul". Then read the entire series because it is GLORIOUS !
Now in the actual "I, Magneto", Magnus was fucking sinking a submarine to defend his domain ...RIGHT AFTER declaring his threats to various countries' leaders. Then the X-men thwart his plan , then he starts to fight them and then PAF he K.Oes Kitty. THIS is exactly where he becomes a completely different character(and bear in mind that I have NO PROBLEM with a different interpretation... but within the SAME ISSUE ? Not even a story-arc after ?!).
It seems a tremendous leap in logic that Erik would go from homicidal and then , IMMEDIATELY, to remorseful and have the X-men basically let him flee. No, I am not making that shit up ! It left me THAT confused ! NO. Just, no. The whole "concentration camp survivor" is not a tragic background in this case. It is the LAZIEST excuse to snatch my sympathy ever. It does not work. Using a real life tragedy in such a way is just basic, obvious manipulation and I do not give in to such measly tricks !
* The day Kitty leaves, the day the X-men fall. No. WAAAAY Far from the actual truth.
* Ah yes. This is a fun one: Emma Frost pulls a Captain Ginyu on Storm (thanks to a psychic gun... ah 80's, never change !) and can now control her abilities ... up to a point... but it seems she CRAVES and LOVES using Ororo's divine body. 'Ro however has dome difficulties with the telepathic abilities...
She and Sebastian almost win... except that they did not count on Storm and Kitty escaping and having to cancel the switcharoo in order to not be killed by storms. Emma is almost strangled by a naked Ororo which could have been a memorable death in comics. Also, I love how she swears vengeance despite the fact that she'll be absent during the next big fight.
* Do you like Carol Danvers ? If you fucking do well Claremont's got you covered ! Unlike Kurt Busiek or Geoff Johns, it will be to the point where I gouge my eyes out EVERY DAMN time she is mentionned !
* MOAR SHI'AR ! Good God ! At least Deathbird is there
* The Brotherhood finally has Rogue as a memeber . Which kind of raises their fighting competence level. Of course she fights Carol fucking Danvers...ugghhh...
* Belasco kidnaps Illyana... which is a plotline I don't care much about.
* The brood aka the hobo's Xenomorphs... yeah I am not that impressed by them.
* Carol Danvers turns into Binary or somethi...yaaaaawwwwnnn...
* God loves, Man Kills...also known as "Claremont WRITES, Subtlety DIES". It's an important X-men comic, sure. Do I like it ? No. Because jaysus is it a slog to read. Not to mention that Reverend Stryker is fucking boring ! He's all "mutant blasphemy yadayadayada ..." and he , OF COURSE, killed his newborn mutant kid and his wife as "mercy". Of course it is to show us more of that tragic misunderstood guy Magnus is. Of course, the purifiers use mind control on Pr Xavier.
Gotta "love" Kitty's nickname : Ariel. To be honest I despise her just as much as Ariel the mermaid so it is a spot-on codename.
A genuine quality though, the atmosphere is well-done, it is bleak and somber as all get out...

ROUND 4: PAUL SMITH

This one will be very short as it's the shortest run in the whole deal.

ROGUE is finally a member...errr.. how do I explain this detail though ? Comics Rogue is not as cool as the one from TAS or EVO. Why ? Well, she's gonna angst about the SAME THING over and over. What's the thing you ask ? Take a guess !
- Mooore Brooods... except there is space whale here ! HURRAY !
- Carol Binary Danvers uuuughhhh.... Will you leave me alone you bitch ?! WHY DO YOU PERSECUTE ME SO ?!
- Oh Kitty finds Lockheed... how joyfully mushy...
- "Prof Xavier is a JERK !" I know and not an entertaining one at that...
- Kurt's sister knows how to take care of Dragons.. who are these people ?!
- Angel is finally the bitch of the Morlocks...
- Ah Good news for me! The Uterus... I mean... Madelyne Pryor is finally introduced ! Excellent. The first MOVE ... exciting isn't it !
- MASQUE, the mutant with the power of bootleg plastic surgery...
- Logan's gonna be married...except not. It's a good story though; Rogue becomes more involved with the team, Maddie calmly freaks out by discovering Lockheed and Ororo meets Yukio, the love of her life .... and we don't have doujinshis about them ? Internet, I AM DISAPPOINT.
- So Scott presents Maddie to Corsair. Ahhh, Scott, if you knew...let's say that you have the same "father" as Maddie actually..MWAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA !
- Also Piotr and Kitty are starting their relationship... somebody call Chris Hansen please...
- Storm's new punk look ! Do you dig it ? You make the call my friends ! Kitty has some heartbreak over it because... I dunno, tragic ?
- I gotta be honest Forge is downright RIPPED !

ROUND 5: JOHN ROMITA Jr

Dear JR Jr... Funny how I find you in a lot of Spider-man runs I have a huge affection for... and you find yourself in THIS part of Claremont's run. It contains the worst single issue Chris wrote in the old days ...

- Claremont gets ready to kick Scott out of the team, meh... Oh yeah and he has him talk to "Jean" 's grave... WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT !
- Mystique wants to get Rogue back by her side... yeah, because the crazies have to look for each other eh ? Also MORE mention of Carol Danvers...
- Caliban tries to marry Kitty... come the fuck on dude, you can find better than her !
- Rachel has finally ARRIVED ! And man will Claremont fucking torture this poor girl !
- Selene FINALLY appears since her debut in New Mutants ! If I sound happy it's because it took this long to finally see a villain that PLAYS AN ACTIVE ANTAGONISTIC ROLE in Claremont's run. Sebastian Shaw surprisingly does little here... it took another title for him to really shine. She calls herself Demon-huntress (yeah I imagine what she does to said demons...) and is looking for a powerful pupil. When she first confronts the X-men she PWNS them ! Her power is very similar to Rogue except that she controls perfectly and eats people through skin contact, wonder how many superpowered people she feasted on to get her telekinesis ?
- Storm is shot by a depowering gun meant for Rogue woops...
- So Selene becomes the Black Queen and Shaw takes the good news like someone who found out he was suddenly amputated. He IMMEDIATELY thinks of ways to have her killed !
- Oh hey a Power Pack crossover... COOL !
- And Paul Smith come for an X-Men/Alpha Flight crossover ! Rachel is depressed that Scott's baby is gonna be a boy. Heheheheheheee , oh Ray, that kid will be pretty important to you ONCE he is twice his dad's age.
- Mystique suggests Val Cooper to found Freedom Force. Raven's greatest idea I assure you...even if evey other antagonist in X-Factor is gonna outshine them but it's the intention that counts ! Oh and she sells Magneto''s head as a sign of good faith !
- Rachel's pathos... and it WORKS ! I do feel bad for her !
- The National Holocaust Memorial.... okaaay, no. DESIST ! STOP ! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE !
- So Mags lets Freedom Force arrest him to face his old crimes I am SOOO sure his boyfriend ain't gonna do something retarded like making him school's headmaster or some shit like that...
- The BABY IS BORN ! FINALLY ! Now to wait for 2 other steps and the greatness to come... in the meantime Scott is defeated by a depowered Ororo because... eh, who cares, he's trading UP ! He will be in the greatest X-men run of the 80's anyway ! So, Relax Max !
- Uncanny X-men 207... NOW this is Claremont's masterpiece in dumbfuckery ! First off, Rachel is having nightmares. Logical and plausible. She breaks a mirror by accident. Thus Kitty , cunt that she is, starts berating her... WHUT ?!
Wolverine stabs Rachel in the stomach and leaves her body at Central Park... yup, you read right. Because she tried to kill Selene and cus
"the X-men ain't killers"... Fuck logic I suppose. WHAT THE HELL WAS CLAREMONT SNORTING ?! And Selene ? Eh, don't worry she decides to stop a crime at Central Park ... by eating all parties concerned !
- The Hellfire club fights the X-men again... and Selene is fucking DOMINATING this fight ! Due to the formerly mentioned dumbfuckery I shall root for her. Then Nimrod comes into play, as if he were a secret boss !
- Harry Leland dies because of a heart attack...good pacemakers are so goddamn hard to find !
- The mutant massacre happens but the good section of that story happens in X-Factor so you go to that review instead...

ROUND 6: MARC SILVESTRI

Oh BOY THIS IS A LOOOONG ONE ! To read, not much to say about it actually. It has a varied team line-up to its credit, but outside of that, here's what I remember from it...kinda hazy...

- Psylocke looks like a Goddamn strawberry ! And yes she's basically the sum of all the kinks Chris has...
- Juggernaut is a Dazzler fan !
- Longshot ... is Longshot. On other news, I feel Claremont's Mojo is very toned down compared to the horrifying creature that Ann Nocenti came up with in her Longshot mini-series. Between us, much as I love Mojo, he is a waaaay better fit for Exiles than the X-men. I hope someone remembers how nightmarish he actually is, instead of sticking to the fucking X-babies.
- Havok returns among the X-men (though he is somewhat forced to...) and Polaris joins the Marauders (because she's possessed. AGAIN ! How original...).
- We are finally introduced to Mr Sinister and fuck me, he's such a goddamn heartthrob and you know it ! He's Clive Barkeresque to a T !
- Maddie starts ANGSTING like hell. Oh well, the TRUTH shall free her YAHAHAHAHAHAHAA !
- Ah the "Fall of the Mutants". this story suuuuucks ! They have some demon shit or something... then they "die" or something. Then they find themselves "magically" resurrected after sacrificing themselves by turning into balls of light and getting shot into the magic shaman to kill him... OR SOMETHING ! If someone can explain why this fucking thing was written please be my guest ! Also they are invisible to computers...OR SOMETHING ! You know what was going on at the time in X-factor ? THIS www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4nCy5… ! And Comics critics bash Simonson yet praise Claremont as high literature ?! FUCK THEM !
- CONVENIENTLY in the Outback they find what they need. Luckiest broke outlaws ever ! Even the Ninja Turtles would find this far-fetched !
- Madelyne has nightmares ... OR ARE THEY ?
- Finally we get more seeds of the Genosha plotline. A mere prologue before one of my favorite X-men sagas ! Though the main antagonist of that arc that has yet to come is currently developing in X-Factor...
- INFERNO HAPPENS ! Again, my other review... see what I mean when I claim to prefer Louise Jones Simonson ?
- Well after so many issues here, Silvestri co-creates one of my favorites , bifaux-nen in face and about as curvy as Chuck Jones' Daffy Duck in body shape, the princess of pyrotechnics herself ; JUBILATION LEE ! One personal complaint ? SHE TOOK HER FUCKING TIME TO APPEAR ! This merits music www.youtube.com/watch?v=acQ6jL… (in her case, the title should be reversed...).
- Of course, Jubes' first course action after following 4 X-women is to pillage the X-men's lair in their absence (as you do.)
- Body-swap between Dazzler and Diamondback...Weird. Though now, Rachel can tell Steve that she has indeed penetrated another woman through unorthodox means.
- The X-men get punked by Nanny. Yup...
- Zaladane ... WHO CARES ?
- And thus the X-men use the magics of the Siege Perilous, a magical crystal that "rebirths" people naked...and bleeds... What ? I did't write the damn comic !
- Legion kills Destiny or something...
- Sooo they are dispersed but who cares ? Dazzler gets to melt a gun with her eyes which is cool Piotr gets a job as an amnesiac painter and Jubilee risks her life to save Wolverine (which explains why she's such an unpopular character ! Who wants altruistic protagonists ?!)

ROUND 7: JIM LEE

Soooo... Jim Lee came around, and the magic plot devices were gone ! HURRAY ! Thank the Lord for Jim Lee ! And in case you ask, YES, I LOVE Jim Lee's art. Sure he draws some characters better than others BUT he does get a LOT more right than wrong.

- His first main story is part of the "Acts Of Vengeance" Crossover. And it is great for many reasons:
* It is my first encounter with the character of the Mandarin. And man does Jim Lee draw a classy as hell Mandarin ! The dress code ? Everything fine is FINE !
* Psylocke evolves from Strawberry Woman to Magic Knight to Monokini Ninja... and yes I prefer the Monokini Ninja Psylocke as she is at least MEMORABLE ! Suuuure, people complain the whole Revanche deal BUT let me remind you sincerely that Bettsy is a goddamn pile of short-lived concepts on top of each other rather than an actual character ! That was not Fabian Nicieza's best tale but it was not the goddamn fall of Rome either for her character , serioufuckingsly !
* Jubilee finally gets her rain coat ... More I think about it , the more I believe she stole it somewhere ! And yes her interactions with Mandy were damn funny !
- HE is FINALLY here ! Old trench coat on him and cigarette in the mouth ! www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC2BYE… Did I mention that he's my favorite member of the X-men ? Love how he decided to join the X-men just because he befriended a rejuvenated Storm. Not for "the dream" or anything.
- Rogue re-appears in her appartment naked and in her perfect form. Yeah, when I think of her, I think of the curvy Jim Lee version.
- X-Tinction Agenda happens ... and I reviewed it already. It RULES ! It should be adapted in animation WITH THE LINE-UP of the book ! www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYPFrX…
- Then they go look for Prof X in space. Not that it pleases me, but he's kind of needed in some of the best sagas ever so let's do this...
- Then Muir Island is attacked by the Shadow King or something or another... WHO CARES ! It's OVER ! FINALLY ! The END ?
- Errrr... Wait, Chris has the first Acolytes story to write. It also contains mind control. Anyway ...

FINALLY THE END ! We've done it ! YEAAAAAAHHH ! www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNDl41…

So after this whole thing is over and done with, Claremont leaves and the greatest X-men run ever is FINALLY able to begin. Chris then complains that they destroyed the house he built and yeah yallahyallah, merry christmas kiss my ass, kiss his ass , happy hanukkah... POINT IS, he returned several times and was even given his OWN FUCKING CONTINUITY to work with ! Pencilled by the excellent Tom Grummett no less ! And ... it sucks. Frankly it is as bland as bland can be. If those were the long-term plans he had then THANK GOD he left and was replaced by Scott and Fabian. Now if you excuse me, I have to go to the grocery I gotta get me some eggs...