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FRIDAY, 28 JANUARY 2011

Changes

I’ve been too busy to write over the last week or so; just about to finish the last of my exams before I start chemo. It’s pretty scary now… no one in school really knows what to say to me, not even the teachers. I guess no one knows whether it’s “goodbye” or “see ya soon”. I suppose “good luck” would be a nice place to start…

  This is what I’ve been thinking about, really. Since I got ill the whole world changed… and changed again. I never realised that I actually thought that teachers have the answers – not for the questions I was interested in, anyway – but over the last few months it’s come as a shock to me how clueless they actually are. I was under the impression that I thought as everyone as “human” rather than judging them by their profession or status. Without realising, I confused authority, age and intelligence with levels of understanding. But I guess everyone is the same when it comes to departure. Now I know that everyone is human.

  I’m going to a friend’s house tonight to meet up with some that I haven’t spoken to in a while. They never came to see me in hospital. They haven’t mentioned a word about my illness… but they know. I half expect that I’ll arrive and go 223 days into the past. I’ll not be sad. I’ll not be ill. I’ll not be scared.

But that’d be a lie. I suppose we’ll pretend tonight. I’m counting down the days until I’m:

confined to the little white bed in the little white room,

surrounded by beeping monitors and squeaking tables,

being attacked by those incomprehensible words that end in “sis” and “ology” and “ia”.

  Six days until I lose everything all over again. 135 hours until I lose control. In 8080 minutes I won’t understand anymore. But in 2220 seconds I’ll be normal. And we’ll act like I’m fine, and we’ll play the guitars, and we’ll sing old songs.  We’ll talk about what we’re going to do in the summer and we’ll bitch about people we don’t like and whoever has pissed us off this week. We’ll plan for the future, and they’ll tell me their university plans… and I’ll have that feeling. The paradigm in which everything has changed but everything is still the same, the change in the unchangeable, the pause in motion.

And then, when I leave, they won’t say “goodbye”.

Posted by Toby at 18:33