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Pumpkin Hunters — Description

“Never again!” Amenii shrieked as she slammed the door behind them, pressing her back to it while she tried to catch her breath. “Never! Ever! Ever! Again!”
“There’s no need to be so dramatic deary.” Nera said between heaving breaths as she looked up from her bent double position, their prize resting at her feet. “There were just a few last-minute complications, that’s all.”
“Complications! Complications do not include razor wire, proximity alarms, or hunting hounds!”
“So, farmer Maggot upped his game this year. I was wondering about that construction team he had up by his house this year. Don’t worry, we’ll be better prepared next year.”
“There is not going to be a Next Year!” Amenii hefted the slit of her dress, the ends of the fabric parted in a concentric ragged hole. “Do you see this?”
“He was aiming to your right.” Nera waved her hand, slowly straitening. “He’s an old softie like that – now if he had wanted to…”
“That buckshot passed within an inch of my leg!”
“That wasn’t buckshot dear, he was just using rock salt – it’s a little less lethal, and the police have given him several warnings already.”
“Well, their going to have to give him another one from me!”
“Oh no you aren’t!”
“Oh really? Why not?”
“Because you and I were never there.”
Amenii groaned and covered her face with both hands as she slumped against the door.
“Nera, Beloved, Spotted Terror of the Night, can’t we just buy a pumpkin like a normal person would?”
“Well, we could.” Nera cooed, almost apologetically. “But, that would defeat the point.”
“Which is what exactly?”
“Giving old farmer Maggot something to look forward to next year.”
Amenii groaned again, drawing her fingers down her face in a slow gesture of exasperation reserved for talking to the criminally insane and certain spotted hyenas.
“He was waiting for us, on his porch, with a combat shotgun – with a drum barrel! And spotlights! Did I mention the hounds! Hounds! Three of them!”
“So, he went a little bit overboard this year, he is getting up in his years and can’t move as fast as he used to. That probably explains why he’s switched tactics. I’ll make sure to suggest a yoga class for his knees the next time we meet.”
A sound of hopeless despair came from the direction of the doorway.
“Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier than when he is stomping through his pumpkin patch firing from the hip. It’ll probably last him through Christmas – oh, speaking of which, we should really make him a pie this year. He’ll appreciate that.”
“Nera, you are going to be the death of me.” Amenii moaned, having given up all hope of trying to convince her larger lover of the insanity of her self made Halloween tradition.
“And your mother is going to be the death of me!” Nera grumbled as she turned the pumpkin over in her hands. “Old bat is psychotic as a crocodile.”
“She is not! She’s just a bit – protective.”
“Ha! Protective is one thing, insisting on seeing you at least once a year to make sure I haven’t consumed you is another.”
“If you hadn’t decided to reenact that scene from Jaws while I was on a video call with her you wouldn’t be in that predicament!”
“She has no sense of humor.” Nera grumbled. “Ah, bother…Well deary, we may need to go back again, it looks like farmer maggot’s aim has been improving.”
Holding up the pumpkin, a good crater sized hole punched through its center mass.
“No! Oh no! Absolutely not!” Amenii protested. “You picked it, you carve it!”
“You sure you don’t wa-“
“Yes!”
“I suppose you’re right, and the SWAT team is already up there sorting out the incident. Probably be on high alert for the next twenty-four hours anyway.” Nera shrugged, then turning the pumpkin over. “Actually, I just got a wonderful idea…”
“Oh no.”
“Come muse! I am inspired!” Nera proclaimed, grabbing Amenii’s hand and pulling her off to the living room.