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...not good enough (2014/2015) — Description
This is part nine of a series which portrays how I got into drawing and art, starting from childhood until now.

As I already mentioned in my last drawing I got a serious depression after my father died.
At that time I wanted to apply to art school. My portfolio got accepted and I was invited to participate in the entrance exam. That would have been a great oppurtunity if I wouldn‘t have suffered from heavy panic attacks and axienty disorder, a few months after my father‘s death.
The things he said about me were still stucked in my head and I was absolutely convinced that I was totally unable to achieve anything and that I would not be good enough to pass this test. I totally panicked and was crying for 24 hours before the exam even started. In the end I was so afraid of drawing that I wasn‘t even able to step inside this building.
My mother still being in schock after my fathers death complaining to me that 'everyone‘s going to leave her' (my uni is pretty far away from my home village) did make things even worse. Of course I had a bad conscience about leaving her behind on her own shortly after something like this happened!
But damn, I‘m still young and I also wanted to go my own way! And she has always been really supportive of me and my art but in this perticular moment everyone‘s nerves were just on the edge and I really don‘t want to blame her for this overly emotional reaction (I think I was even worse at that time...).

After that incident my depression got even worse and I was extremely afraid of drawing.
Everything I tried to draw just turned out really ugly (mostly in terms of motifs). I didn‘t want to show any of these drawings to anyone (even though I did show one or two here on deviantart). If I even could muster up my courage to actually take up a pencil at all. It really scared me and I spent many days sitting in a corner, crying my eyes out while I felt like every colour I picked up just turned into black. That‘s pretty much what this drawing is all about...

Other parts of the series (you can take a look at the complete drawings and story in this folder ):